I don’t know how to explain what I feel right now…

I don’t come here often to write or vent anymore.

I used to a lot when I was younger, when I was with you.

I only seem to venture here when I need to escape from thoughts of you again.

Sometimes I scroll through my old pieces of writing and feel sad or angry all over again.

I knew I needed to come here though.

I have tried so hard in the past to hate you - and failed. I want to hate you more then anything. I should hate you. I want to forget you even exist.

I can’t even explain with a word how I feel about you now. I wish you were a different person, I wish we never crossed paths.

So many times I have lied to myself and others that I simply don’t care about you. But I find myself thinking of you all the time.

I don’t love you, but I wish I hated you.

I feel sick at the thought of seeing you, when you moved away I was so sad but I knew inside I would begin to feel ok again once I’d “forgotten” you as much as I ever could.

Today I felt so confused I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Hurt (all over again) but with this longing (I’ve always had) that you’d come around one day and everything would turn out exactly how I wanted. But when I really think about you - I don’t want you to come around, you are the worst person I’ve ever met.

But I can’t bring myself to even delete you on facebook, or make a slightly negative comment about you by chance you might see it and hate me for it.

I felt confused and also admirable of the girl who I thought I should be jealous of at one point. I knew one day she would also figure it out, I felt sorry for her.

I want to be best friends with her now, she understands exactly what I saw and then, now see in you. I was proud of her for figuring it out!

I had a lot more feelings today H but now I’m overwhelmed so I think I might finish this next time you pop into my life again - until next time.